- Posted by ma3k
- You consider a tongue depressor an eating utensil.
- You have ever tried to identify what a patient ate last by examining the barf on your shoes.
- You knock before entering a room, knowing full well the only patient in there is the one that just died!
- You've ever basted your Thanksgiving turkey with a Toomey syringe!
- You're at the grocery store, look down and notice you have at least 2 body fluids on you shoes and it doesn't bother you.
- You refer to idiot patients as CNS-QNS [central nervous system - quantity not sufficient].
- When asked, "Are you the nurse on tonight?" You want to respond, "No, I just like dressing up as a nurse and hanging around because I have nothing better to do!"
- You've ever had a patient whose positive pregnancy test prompts her to call the next day and ask if you can tell who the father is?
- You've ever rolled your eyes when the 14 year-old says, "No, I've never had sex"?
- You've ever told a confused patient your name was that of your co-worker and to HOLLER if they need help?
- You've ever passed on the green stuff at the buffet because you are certain you suctioned it from a patient earlier?
- You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky.
- You've developed a crease between your brows from trying NOT to inhale the various human secretions you've encountered over the years.
- Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.
- You've been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider it a form of birth control.
- Your bladder can expand to the same size as a Winnebago's water tank.
- Your shoes have been seized and quarantined by either the Centers for Disease Control, OSHA, the EPA or the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.
- You believe Tylenol, Advil, or Excedrin provides a large part of your daily calorie intake requirements.
- You think that Prom tickets should have coupons good for one free gastric lavage.
- If the hems of your scrub pants are held in with 3.0 suture, steri-strips or rubber bands.
- You avoid unhealthy looking COPDers in the mall for fear that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.
- You've ever pretended to sneeze and at the same time thrown KY jelly on a co-workers sleeve to make them think they got shot with a hocker.
- You've ever held a 14-gauge needle over someone's vein and said, "Now your going to feel a little stick."
- You've ever sworn your going to have "NO CODE" tattooed to your chest.
- You can identify the 'PID Shuffle" and the "Kidney Stone Squirm" at 15 feet.
- You've ever had to contend with someone who thinks constipation for 4 hours is an emergency.
- You've ever listed a patient's chief complaint as "I'm drunk".
- You refer to motorcyclists as organ donors.
- You've ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve ear rings say, "I'm afraid of shots."
- You stare at someone in utter disbelief when they actually cover their mouth to cough.
- You've ever thought, "As long as he's got a pulse, I don't care about the rhythm".
- You've ever referred to a body bag as a "to go" bag.
- Your personal triage categories are: Emergent, Urgent, Non-Emergent and Sleeping it Off.
- You don't ask "frequent flyers" their history, you know it by heart.
- You can keep a straight face when a patient responds, "Just two beers."
- You develop Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from constantly locking and unlocking the Narcotic Cabinet.
- You hold on to the bed rails during a defibrillation, just to have something to do on the night shift.
- A trained physician can't recognize the proper anatomy of a female for a catheter, but you get it on the first try.
- You believe that all bleeding stops...eventually.
- You shock someone with an unrecognizable rhythm...until you get one you DO recognize.
- Your idea of a meal break is finishing your coffee before it gets cold
- You've ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level
- Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal
- You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac
- Your idea of comforting a child includes placing them in a papoose restraint
- You have encouraged obnoxious patients to sign out AMA so you don't have to deal with them any longer
- You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce
- You plan your next meal while performing gastric lavage
- You believe unspeakable evils will befall you if the word 'quiet' is uttered
- You have used the phrase 'health care reform' to terrify your co-workers
- You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick
- You know the local detox center number by heart
- You have handled several 'lost condom' cases
- You have had to leave the patient before you began to laugh uncontrollably
- Your idea of fine dining is sitting down to eat
- You believe chocolate is a food group
- You believe a good tape job will fix anything
- You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf down your food, even in the nicest restaurants
- Your idea of a good time is a Code Blue at shift change
- You firmly believe that if Dilantin, Haldol and Librium were put in the water instead of fluoride, Dentists would be busier, but Nursing would grind to a halt
- You don't believe 90% of what you're told, and 75% of what you see
- You have your weekends off planned a year in advance
- You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a recognized medical diagnosis
- You have discovered a new condition called "Hypo-Xanax-emia"
- You take it as a compliment when someone calls you a dirty name
- You say to yourself, "Great veins!" when looking at complete strangers at the grocery store
- You refer to someone in severe respiratory distress as a "Smurf"
- Your idea of a good time is dueling shock rooms
- You've ever had a patient look you dead in the eye and say, "I don't know how that got stuck in there"
- You have ever wanted to reply yes when someone calls the ER and asks "Is my (husband, wife, mother, etc....) there?"
- You have ever restrained someone...and it wasn't a sexual experience
- You believe a "Supreme Being" consult is your patient's only hope
- You have ever had a patient say, "I'm not pregnant, I can't be pregnant! I can't be having a baby!"
- You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered food
- Your feet are slightly fatter and tougher than Fred Flintstones
- Your immune system is well developed that it has been know to attack and kill squirrels in the backyard
- You have recurrent nightmares of being hit and run over by the portable x-ray machine
- You call tell the difference between a Doctor's Order and the ground around a chicken farm
- You call burn victims "crispy critters"
- You call subcutaneous emphysema "Rice Krispies"
- Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than most computers
- You have referred to someone's death as a transfer to the eternal care unit
- Your favorite hallucinogenic is exhaustion
- You think caffeine should be available in I.V. form
- Your most common assessment question is "what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks, months, years)?"
- You have witnessed the charge nurse muttering down the hallway, "Who's in charge of this mess anyway?"
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