- Posted by ma3k
You consider a tongue depressor an eating utensil. You have ever tried to identify what a patient ate last by examining the barf on your shoes. You knock before entering a room, knowing full well the only patient in there is the one that just died! You've ever basted your Thanksgiving turkey with a Toomey syringe! You're at the grocery store, look down and notice you have at least 2 body fluids on you shoes and it doesn't bother you. You refer to idiot patients as CNS-QNS [central nervous system - quantity not sufficient]. When asked, "Are you the nurse on tonight?" You want to respond, "No, I just like dressing up as a nurse and hanging around because I have nothing better to do!" You've ever had a patient whose positive pregnancy test prompts her to call the next day and ask if you can tell who the father is? You've ever rolled your eyes when the 14 year-old says, "No, I've never had sex"? You've ever told a confused patient your name was that of your co-worker and to HOLLER if they need help? You've ever passed on the green stuff at the buffet because you are certain you suctioned it from a patient earlier? You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky. You've developed a crease between your brows from trying NOT to inhale the various human secretions you've encountered over the years. Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly natural. You've been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider it a form of birth control. Your bladder can expand to the same size as a Winnebago's water tank. Your shoes have been seized and quarantined by either the Centers for Disease Control, OSHA, the EPA or the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. You believe Tylenol, Advil, or Excedrin provides a large part of your daily calorie intake requirements. You think that Prom tickets should have coupons good for one free gastric lavage. If the hems of your scrub pants are held in with 3.0 suture, steri-strips or rubber bands. You avoid unhealthy looking COPDers in the mall for fear that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off. You've ever pretended to sneeze and at the same time thrown KY jelly on a co-workers sleeve to make them think they got shot with a hocker. You've ever held a 14-gauge needle over someone's vein and said, "Now your going to feel a little stick." You've ever sworn your going to have "NO CODE" tattooed to your chest. You can identify the 'PID Shuffle" and the "Kidney Stone Squirm" at 15 feet. You've ever had to contend with someone who thinks constipation for 4 hours is an emergency. You've ever listed a patient's chief complaint as "I'm drunk". You refer to motorcyclists as organ donors. You've ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve ear rings say, "I'm afraid of shots." You stare at someone in utter disbelief when they actually cover their mouth to cough. You've ever thought, "As long as he's got a pulse, I don't care about the rhythm". You've ever referred to a body bag as a "to go" bag. Your personal triage categories are: Emergent, Urgent, Non-Emergent and Sleeping it Off. You don't ask "frequent flyers" their history, you know it by heart. You can keep a straight face when a patient responds, "Just two beers." You develop Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from constantly locking and unlocking the Narcotic Cabinet. You hold on to the bed rails during a defibrillation, just to have something to do on the night shift. A trained physician can't recognize the proper anatomy of a female for a catheter, but you get it on the first try. You believe that all bleeding stops...eventually. You shock someone with an unrecognizable rhythm...until you get one you DO recognize. Your idea of a meal break is finishing your coffee before it gets cold You've ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac Your idea of comforting a child includes placing them in a papoose restraint You have encouraged obnoxious patients to sign out AMA so you don't have to deal with them any longer You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce You plan your next meal while performing gastric lavage You believe unspeakable evils will befall you if the word 'quiet' is uttered You have used the phrase 'health care reform' to terrify your co-workers You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick You know the local detox center number by heart You have handled several 'lost condom' cases You have had to leave the patient before you began to laugh uncontrollably Your idea of fine dining is sitting down to eat You believe chocolate is a food group You believe a good tape job will fix anything You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf down your food, even in the nicest restaurants Your idea of a good time is a Code Blue at shift change You firmly believe that if Dilantin, Haldol and Librium were put in the water instead of fluoride, Dentists would be busier, but Nursing would grind to a halt You don't believe 90% of what you're told, and 75% of what you see You have your weekends off planned a year in advance You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a recognized medical diagnosis You have discovered a new condition called "Hypo-Xanax-emia" You take it as a compliment when someone calls you a dirty name You say to yourself, "Great veins!" when looking at complete strangers at the grocery store You refer to someone in severe respiratory distress as a "Smurf" Your idea of a good time is dueling shock rooms You've ever had a patient look you dead in the eye and say, "I don't know how that got stuck in there" You have ever wanted to reply yes when someone calls the ER and asks "Is my (husband, wife, mother, etc....) there?" You have ever restrained someone...and it wasn't a sexual experience You believe a "Supreme Being" consult is your patient's only hope You have ever had a patient say, "I'm not pregnant, I can't be pregnant! I can't be having a baby!" You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered food Your feet are slightly fatter and tougher than Fred Flintstones Your immune system is well developed that it has been know to attack and kill squirrels in the backyard You have recurrent nightmares of being hit and run over by the portable x-ray machine You call tell the difference between a Doctor's Order and the ground around a chicken farm You call burn victims "crispy critters" You call subcutaneous emphysema "Rice Krispies" Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than most computers You have referred to someone's death as a transfer to the eternal care unit Your favorite hallucinogenic is exhaustion You think caffeine should be available in I.V. form Your most common assessment question is "what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks, months, years)?" You have witnessed the charge nurse muttering down the hallway, "Who's in charge of this mess anyway?"This entry was posted on Friday, February 01, 2008 You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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